Hi Mama,
I was on my way to practice last night. And I had this picture flash across my mind - it was the most beautiful picture I'd ever seen.
It was time for the show. Before it started, I saw the audience from the stage.
I saw a whole row taken up by my favorite faces. Dad and Kristi sitting together, whispering to themselves. Hannah, Rachel, Sarah, Emily, and Annaliesa sitting all together. Maybe talking with each other, maybe just waiting for the show, maybe on their phones.
Then at the end of the row, you and mom were sitting. Talking quietly to each other. Laughing and giggling together. About how this was going to be interesting - seeing me in a role I've never played before. Excited to see me on stage.
Your wide eyes and smile lighting up the whole room. The show starts and there I am, dancing sexy in front of strangers, who ever would have thought I would do this?? - but you are all loving it. You all laugh and enjoy the whole show.
Then, after it's all done, everyone cheered and was smiling and laughing. When I came out from changing - everyone hugged me and told me I did a great job. And then commented on my ballerina outfit - how scandalous it was! Hannah started that comment and then everyone else joined in and made jokes - teasing, making up silly names, laughing all together again.
You squished my face in your hands and told me I was a sweet girl, gave me a kiss, and then it was over.
And I realized that it wasn't real. That's not how any of this was going to happen. Because you're gone. Sarah, Hannah, Rachel, and Mom have all moved away - but you're the only one who is really gone.
It dawned on me that you were the first person to tell me I should be on the stage. I remember you telling me while you were sitting at the piano in the living room. You were such a big part of my life, and it's still so strange not to have you around.
I would never compare how much I miss you to how much your own kids must miss you... But knowing how much I do miss you...I can't even begin imagine how much they do. Still though, I wish you were here.
I wish you were here to tell me you're proud for making the right decision about the lead. I wish you could have gone over my audition music with me. I miss hearing you play the piano. I wish you could come and see me in the show. I'm proud of myself, and I know you would be too. I wish you could squish my face just one more time.
This is going to be a great show - wonderful even. But it won't be perfect. We could perform every number flawlessly, not a single line dropped or dance move forgotten and it still wouldn't be perfect.
The only thing in the world that could make it a perfect show would be to look out and see you and Mom sitting in the audience.
The only thing that could make it perfect is if you were here.
I love you.
