Wish You Were Here

Hi Mama,

I was on my way to practice last night. And I had this picture flash across my mind - it was the most beautiful picture I'd ever seen.

It was time for the show. Before it started, I saw the audience from the stage.

I saw a whole row taken up by my favorite faces. Dad and Kristi sitting together, whispering to themselves. Hannah, Rachel, Sarah, Emily, and Annaliesa sitting all together. Maybe talking with each other, maybe just waiting for the show, maybe on their phones.

Then at the end of the row, you and mom were sitting. Talking quietly to each other. Laughing and giggling together. About how this was going to be interesting - seeing me in a role I've never played before. Excited to see me on stage.

Your wide eyes and smile lighting up the whole room. The show starts and there I am, dancing sexy in front of strangers, who ever would have thought I would do this?? - but you are all loving it. You all laugh and enjoy the whole show.

Then, after it's all done, everyone cheered and was smiling and laughing. When I came out from changing - everyone hugged me and told me I did a great job. And then commented on my ballerina outfit  - how scandalous it was! Hannah started that comment and then everyone else joined in and made jokes - teasing, making up silly names, laughing all together again.

You squished my face in your hands and told me I was a sweet girl, gave me a kiss, and then it was over.

And I realized that it wasn't real. That's not how any of this was going to happen. Because you're gone. Sarah, Hannah, Rachel, and Mom have all moved away - but you're the only one who is really gone.

It dawned on me that you were the first person to tell me I should be on the stage. I remember you telling me while you were sitting at the piano in the living room. You were such a big part of my life, and it's still so strange not to have you around.

I would never compare how much I miss you to how much your own kids must miss you... But knowing how much I do miss you...I can't even begin imagine how much they do. Still though, I wish you were here.

I wish you were here to tell me you're proud for making the right decision about the lead. I wish you could have gone over my audition music with me. I miss hearing you play the piano. I wish you could come and see me in the show. I'm proud of myself, and I know you would be too. I wish you could squish my face just one more time.

This is going to be a great show - wonderful even. But it won't be perfect. We could perform every number flawlessly, not a single line dropped or dance move forgotten and it still wouldn't be perfect.

The only thing in the world that could make it a perfect show would be to look out and see you and Mom sitting in the audience.

The only thing that could make it perfect is if you were here.

I love you.

Maya Angelou

This is something I wrote the day she passed away... Just found it in my drafts. Not sure if it's finished or not.




The caged bird sang from within her cage,
bound by anger, confusion, and rage.
Always longing for something more,
The chance to spread her wings and soar.

The caged bird paces up and down,
Stuck in a darkness spiraling 'round.
If only someone had the key,
They could set the caged bird free.

One day the caged bird found a place,
Full of people who showed her grace.
It didn't matter who she was, or where she'd been,
They spoke of a Man who had forgiven her sins.

The caged bird suddenly had a thought,
What if  she stood up and fought?
Instead of letting herself be ruled,
by a life with things unfair and cruel?

With humility the caged bird's heart did fill,
Knowing this Man who loved her still.
No longer was she defined by her past,
But lived in a love that she knew would last.

New Song - Jake Hamilton

The vision. The vision is Jesus.

Obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus!

The vision is an army of young people.  You see bones, I see an army.  They are free from materialism. They laugh at 9 to 5 work prisons.  They could eat caviar on Monday, crust on Tuesday. They wouldn’t even notice.

They know the meaning of the Matrix, they know the way the West was won.  They are mobile like the wind. They belong to the nations, they need no passport.  People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence. They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting, the dirty and the dying.

WHAT IS THE VISION?

The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry.  It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.  Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation. It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.  This is an army that’ll lay down its life for the cause. A million times a day, its soldiers choose to lose that they might one day win the great,

“WELL DONE, Faithful sons and daughters!!”

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don’t need fame from names. Instead they breathe quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again, “COME ON!!”.  This is the sound of the underground.  A whisper of history in the making, foundations shaking, revolutionaries dreaming once again!  Mystery is calling in whispers and conspiracy is breathing.

This is the sound of the underground!

The army is disciplined.  Young people who beat their bodies into submission. Every solider would take a bullet for his comrade at arms. The tattoo on the back boasts, “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain!”. Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.  Winners! Martyrs!

WHO CAN STOP THEM?!

Can hormones hold them back?  Can failures succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them? OH! And the generation prays like a dying man with groans beyond talking; with warrior cries, sulfuric tears and with great barrel-loads of laughter! Waiting, watching, 24/7, 365, whatever it takes, they will give! Breaking the rules! Shaking mediocrity from its cozy little hide. Laying down their rights and the precious little wrongs. Laughing at labels, fasting essentials.  The advertisers cannot mold them. Hollywood can’t hold them.  Peer pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cock crows.  They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive on the inside and on the outside, they hardly care.  They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.  They surrender their image or their popularity. They would lay down their very lives, swap seats with the man on death row, guilty as hell. A throne for the electric chair.  With blood and sweat and many tears, sleepless nights and fruitless days they pray,  as if IT ALL DEPENDS ON GOD! And they live, as if it all depends on Him!

Their DNA chooses Jesus! He breathes out, they breathe in.  Their sub-conscience sings! They had a blood transfusion with Jesus. Their words make demons scream and shock themselves.

Don’t you hear them coming?? Herald the weirdos! Summon the losers and the freaks! Here come the frightened and the forgotten with fire in their eyes! They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow.  Mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of Heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision WILL BE! It WILL come to pass!

It will come easy and it will come soon. 

How do I know?  Because this is the longing of creation itself!

The groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God.

My tomorrow is His today.  My distant hope is His 3-D.

And my feeble, whispered, faith-stained prayer invokes the thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking, great “AMEN!” from countless angels, from heroes of the Faith, from Christ Himself.

He is the Original Dreamer, the Ultimate Winner,

GUARANTEED!

Vision - 2/26/14

This morning while I was getting ready for work, I saw a brief picture flash through my mind. It was just a picture of a black layer right above me with sparkles like stars in it.I immediately heard in my spirit, "write this down", so I started writing what I heard.
I heard that what I saw was Heaven. It was right above our heads.If you've ever seen the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, it looked very similar to the spray on shoes that Flint invents.
But it was just this thick layer directly above us. So close that if you were to reach your arm above your head, your entire hand down to your wrist, would be in another realm.
Every time we press in. Every time we pray. Every time we worship. Every time we pray in the Spirit, we pull it closer. It has always been close, but I feel like right now, it's closer than it's ever been before.

This year we need to be reaching. Reaching for the"unthinkable" and going after it. It's a year of New Beginnings. Behold! All things have been made new! We need to get a new perspective, we need to learn to look at things in a new way. We need to see people and situations the way God sees them. And then do our best to handle them the way He would. With love, humility, mercy, and grace. We need to get rid of our worldly way of looking at things, and look at them with our spirit fully engaged.

Be alert and aware because God is moving. And it's big. He is big. Press into Him, get to know Him, find out what weapon He has prepared for you and learn to wield it well! We need to be prepared. And the way we do that is by knowing Him.

Keep pressing in! Let it be on Earth as it is in Heaven!

Come With Me - 2007

School project

Come on a walk with me there the green grass grows, and the brook sings to me a tune.
Come stroll with me through the hills and listen to the music they sing, and the joy they bring.
It's wonderful to be here but so much more with you here too.
Look to your left and listen. It's a robin singing it's song to the wind.
Look to your right and smile at the doe and her fawn passing by.
Look up ahead to the clear blue sky and wonder what's going on in Heaven.
Touch the grass on which you sit and feel that it is softer than anything you've felt before.
Listen to the wind singing you a lullaby and rocking you to sleep on it's gentle breeze.
It's beautiful out here in the meadow where the lilies, roses, daises and marigolds grow.
Smell the roses reaching high for the sky and be lifted high with it's sweet, wondrous scent.
Enjoy this moment while you can.
Because soon it will be time to go back to your life...

The Boy and His Dog - 2007

Said the dog to the boy, "I am here if you need me",
But the boy brushed him off and ran with great speed,
down the lane where the wild grass grows,
and there he met a lion, eyes all aglow.
He let out a scream and the dog perked up.
"The boy needs my help!", he thought.
So the road the old dog flew,
he now knew what he had to do.
He let out a growl and louder it grew.
The lion looked up and away he flew.
The boy ran to the dog
and wrapped his arms around his neck.
"I'll never not trust you!",
the little boy said.

Just a Vessel - February, 2008

Some say she's just looking for attention.
Some say it's all just an act.
But no one has taken the time to look deep.
No one has really cared to ask.
So she holds her emotion deep down inside,
until she's alone and able to cry.
Then she cries out the pain and the hurt that she feels.
And waits for God and His timing to heal.
They all think she's weak and is just giving up.
When really, she's just building her courage back up.
She's been hurt so bad and broken so long,
that it's going to take time 'til once again she is strong.
Just give her some time, just give her some space.
Show her love, kindness, and grace.
She doesn't need the stare of your judgmental eyes.
It makes her feel useless and cuts down her size.
Now you know she doesn't just want attention.
Now you know its not just an act.
So please be careful of how think of her and what you say.
Because with every negative word, my heart cracks.